Its Wednesday

It is just after 7 am and I immediately am consumed with dread today. Its Wednesday..bi-weekly report day, busy day at work day, early release day and NOT payday! I have the longing to get to next payday because it will be the final week< hopefully> in which I will suffer through two weeks of broke-ness. I have no clue how I can have a job that pays more and have less money. I have been through some emotional upheavals these past few days and while I feel much better, my spirit is still stirring some serious dirt inside. I have to suppress the rumble of doubt for now though because I do not have the time to indulge the negativity. I swear at times I just want to leave love alone and be a normal free everyday kinda gal, but I honestly don't know what kinda gal I really am.

I have always been identified as a mom who will do anything for her kids, go to great lengths to keep them happy. In a relationship I am the epitome of love and affection, going overboard with accommodation; but, alone I am lost and confused. I have no identity of my own. I read somewhere that your friends are a reflection of who you are or who you want to be. Well I can honestly say that my friends are limited to one and a possible. I have a small family, and a smaller circle. To give you an idea of what I mean, when I was pregnant with my second child my friend gave me a baby shower, and she invited some of her own friends and family to fill the space. My mother, aunt and one other friend is all I had of my own. Its hard to admit that I'm a loner, but I really am. I don't want to be around a whole lot of people, but when the few people you know have lives of their own, you kinda feel left out. When I want to cry about something, I hug myself because there isn't anyone else. Occasionally, I feel saddened by this fact, and then I hear stories of friends falling out and feel fortunate to avoid the drama. I need to make the changes that we see happen on tv, people rediscovered their youth, decided enough was enough, moved on to a new job, new life, new romance....it doesn't work that easy, but thats the type of change I need to make within myself. Its so typical to hear women complain about love lost and how they moved on, but always seems impossible when that lost feeling is staring you right in the face. Anyway, I'm working and getting in a groove today.