Its Saturday

Saturday evening, well near midnight actually, and I had a day of mixed feelings because I stumbled across an old diary I was trying to keep. It got hard to keep a written one because when I was angry I wrote in such chicken scratch form that I couldn't reflect on my previous emotions, I would only scratch my head in bewilderment at "what was I trying to say". The few parts I could make out made me realize that this has been a really long year and not much has changed with my proposed relationship. I don't know why we women make excuses for love. I don't know why we sit by and proclaim "but he loves me". Isn't love more than just words, doesn't it contain actions too. I won't get preachy but the Bible says that love "does" things...it doesn't just feel....

I  have seen changes in him, I have seen things stay the same. My biggest problem is that he is a slooooowwwww mover when it comes to decisions. I also know that he is not in a place to "make my dreams come true" as I've imagined every evening since 2010. It sucks sometimes that he is so responsible and reasonable. He asked me the other day if I had a mysterious account full of money so he could quit his job and come on down...Well obviously the answer is no...I mean if I did, he wouldn't be my only concern, I'd be doing some serious thangs....*ya feel me*

Anyway, I just can't see past the convenient stories, the just so reasoning for my questionable doubts. I guess we just prefer to ignore what is so plainly clear....I hate that I feel like I can't move on. Or is it that I just don't want to. Dating is scary especially because my girls are getting older. I never believed children should be exposed to the ups and downs of a romantic relationship, especially when its just beginning and especially when they know their father (even if he is a jerk off).....but oh boy....tears....my girls are so precious and I try to keep them out of harms way. I moved away from my comfort and familiarity in order to give them happiness. I decided know sleeping around because its too emotional...and then even when I began this nightmarish, angelic, storybook, lifetime drama replica of a relationship I promised that no one else would ever meet them until he was the one, whoever that might be.

So far so good I guess, if for no other reason, being with him although away from him has kept me grounded, away from the distraction of these comical creatures here in NC. I have to admit he has made me realize that I've been selling my short with my previous relationship choices. I have nothing against them, but in hindsight my self esteem was too low to notice that I deserved someone headed for greatness. But....I do love my babies, just the way they are and no matter how their dad and I worked out. When I left Chris I made a list....I became convinced that making lists would keep me focused on the drastic changes; here's the list of what to expect for any young woman looking for the next catch.

1. Must be a high school graduate ( no GED unless there was some extreme circumstance)
2. Must have finished college...(at least an associates degree *see #4)
3. Must be living on his own (roommates optional)
4. Must be employed for at least 5 years (same company optional, taxes taken out not optional)
5. Cannot be ashamed of his own tears (he is human and should be able to act like one)
6. No drugs of any kind (my preference...should be every ones)
7. Has to be able to laugh
8. Cannot be a mommas boy; should not constantly say "because I'm a grown ass man"...(do real men prophesy this in every conversation....NO..their actions do)
9. If he has children (rare that men don't these days) he should be a responsible parent and either be paying the child support and/or being an active parent with the child/children.
10. If I have any doubts or get a twinge of "hmmmm that's strange" walk away.

I've learned that women's intuition is a strange and mystical power which we too often ignore. I swear that intuition is screaming DON'T DO IT STUPID, YOU'RE GONNA REGRET IT!!!! and we just say, but he's so sweet and I love him. (((eyes rolling))) I'm so over us with that reasoning. Anyway, I don't know how I came down to this topic on this cool Saturday evening, but it made me have silent thoughts about why I was awestruck with this man. I see the reason why I have a hard time letting go, he has everything on my list and just a bit more. That bit more, however, is mixed with the worse part of "for better or worse". Sadly, I don't mind dealing with it, but I wish I knew for sure how this would pan out for us (kids and I). Not a believer in the whole psychic thing so please don't suggest I see one...I just sit back and contemplate what is the worse case and best case scenarios.

On a lighter note, I actually cleaned my closet today, I cleaned my room about 90% of the way, and now I want to start a new knitting project to keep my hands busy, which in turn will keep my mind busy. I remember saying somewhere recently, that I don't think we will last or move forward to blissful endings. I would rather that instead of a bitter end, it just drifts apart like a sailboat without a mast. I don't of course want the ocean to carry us apart, but if it must be that way, it seems to be the least traumatic for me. Kind of like dying in your sleep....no regrets to think about, no wonder about anyone or anybody....just normal thoughts like cooking breakfast, doing laundry, paying bills, going to the movies etc. I see why they say its important to tell your loved ones that you love them daily because things really do happen just that fast. Well to anyone who knows or cares I am happy to have a life full of questions because finding those answers with friends and family makes this life worth living each day. Not just discovering myself, but also what people think and how they feel. We all are connected somehow and whether or not you believe it, I believe that every interaction with another human being causes change or reflection to happen in our own individual lives.