At 3pm I am so looking forward to going home.
I want to do something with my hair and my only options now are cut and color or braid/twist it, I want to get lippo but I don't know if that will make me happy, I want to get a new car, but don't want to have a higher car payment. I want to move in a house and have someone else mow and take care of stuff. I want to get settled and married but don't want to give up my singleness, I want to live closer to my friends. I want to make new friends but people are leeches these days. I want to be more active, but my ankle and knee is always hurting. I need to develop a better budget because I'm tired of being broke. I have to learn to stop "treating myself" when its not appropriate. I want to paint my house, but don't have a definite color scheme yet.
I want my girls to be happy. I hope Danielle gets into ballet, she will be so excited. I'm praying I have the money to pay for the ballet shoes and skirt. I want to go home so I can play my Sims. Did I ever say I was addicted to the Sims, its my one escape from life that I can control. Even down to killing people when they get on my nerves. I wonder how Michelle is doing, but don't call because shes always miserable and I can't handle that right now. I wonder if he really loves me, even though he says he does. I wonder if he ever cheated, maybe I should. I thought less about the negative today and focused on work. Praise Jah I have a job to keep me busy! I have learned that love is complicated, relationships take work and sometimes I'm too lazy to care about either one.
But those people that know me understand my quirks and keep standing by me. I hate feeling alone even though theres four people in my house. I hate having to be the responsible one everyday. I understand the saying ignorance is bliss and sometimes resent knowing better. I wish I didn't have to drop out of school, but am happy to have time for me. I loved cross cultural psychology, it taught me much about my own stereotypical analysis of people around me. I wish I could take Kierras pain away and be sick instead. I don't want to be sick I just want her to be healthy. Why couldn't Chris just be the man he was supposed to be, we were good when were good, but so dangerous when it wasn't. I miss having a body to lay with, but love the cool side of the bed. I have doubts about my self-esteem, but know I'm better off than most. I don't want to gain weight and not realize I've gotten bigger until its too late. How do people get to 400lbs without trying to stop it. Why is there a show on tv where overweight women get to show out and men love it? Why don't men find me as attractive as them? Maybe my inability to sleep around is why, my self respect is higher than my self-esteem...is that even possible.
I should proably see a therapist but who has the time. Many times I thought suicide was easier, but there was too much planning I had to do, whose going to get which kid, where would they live. I remember planning that I'd let myself die after Kierra was 18 but that leaves the little ones to fend for themselves and that doesn't seem fair. I wonder what they will be like when they get older. I wonder if we will all survive into a system of things where life is peaceful. I really do want to hide behind a waterfall eating a grape the size of a pomegrante. I just paused to put a cookie in my mouth and its stale, I wonder why I even at that thing, I'm not even hungry. Whats going to be for dinner tonight? I need gas in my car for next week. I'm going to run my end of day reports I can't wait to go home.
Love those that love me first.
No comments:
Post a Comment