Its Monday....changing tides

I finally did it and while it wasn't as bold as I imagined it would have been the sheer fact that I picked up a box of red hair color and doused my gray and black tresses with it says alot about my desire to try something new. It came out to be more of a reddish brown and while its not what the box said it should be, its definitely noticeable and different. I'm looking to do another touch up in a few weeks and maybe then I'll hit the red I've been looking for. But for now, I'm enjoying the mini change, and will be conditioning in the process. I found a wonderful website that specializes in natural hair. Never thought I would be the one to go natural, considering I have a background in hair and relaxing, coloring and cutting, weaving braiding was all I was about. But admittedly I have grown quite accustomed to the wash grease and go look. The coloring gives me something new to look at with joy every morning.

Randomized thoughts that have been in my head bursting at the seams....why do women who have success seems to complain about the little things? I mean you have a great job, good money, nice car, family surrounding you and youre complaining about the size of the onions in your chinese food. And not just mentioning I mean all out complaining about you can't eat this, and they should know better...whatever, don't eat 'em then. Why is what my mother thinks more important now at 35 than it was when I was 25. When am I going to get some answers on what this relationship holds for me. How can I move forward in my own life when I keep looking backwards. I never realized how much my past is a part of me. That man I call Satan's apprentice had such a hold on me, and because I was with him during my adult development stages, he has actually shaped me into the aggressive lover that I am today. I can't stand him, he gets on my nerves. I sometimes wish I could go back and ignore him but then I wouldn't have my little ones. Who FYI, are a riot when just listening to them. They went outside to play and oldest of the two says, hey ride your bike and let me tie this rope on the handle bar and tie this end to my scooter and you ride and pull me. Little one says "yeah thats cool"....after figuring out how to tie a rope they start the process and little bit says, you're too heavy, big bit says, then let me ride your bike and you hold the scooter.....well if you have kids, or have been around some, you know the next step borders or parental abuse, because I did not stop them from this insanity....big bit starts peddling before little bit can get her footing and supermans it about 2 feet, skinned kness and bruised ego in tow....comes to mommy who is trying to compose herself from laughter and kisses the boo boo and lotions the legs and sends her right back out there again......all to see what???? yep you guessed....they tried again except this time, they get a countdown so everybody is ready....it for about a second and a half, but little bit got tired of falling so they gave up and played in the mulch by the house. I love my kids, I can't imagine not having them. If it means I'd have to repeat the 10 year stint in Hell then so be it, just as long as I could end up right where I am now. Away and full of peace. I don't know whats for dinner, but its a shame that a single parent who is trying to make a better and decent life for 3 children is denied foodstamps on the basis of me making 60 bucks over their limit. $60??? I mean, they don't even calculate the car payment and insurance....I'd gladly stop paying the insurance, but then I'd get tickets and whose gonna pay those. Maybe I should stop paying and then take the tickets to foodstamp people and tell them to pay it....they'd deny that too I'm sure. very frustrating. I left my lunch at home today and opted for chinese food. Problem with it is that it hits your gut like a brick and then just that fast, you start feeling acid in your gut....maybe thats just me.

My eldest child is 16 and full of attitude. I don't think she even means to be that way, I don't even know if she realizes that she is full of it...but my patience is thin...and my pms is close. I'd tread softly if I were here. I remember jumping up and flying across my bed and slap her upside the head for some smart remark...the look on her face...priceless! I have alll kinds of pain in my body these days and wonder if I'll be stricken with the old lady walk and wardrode to match. I'm not old enough to be hobbling along with a cane, but there are days when thats exactly what I want.  My little kids had a dance at school and I actually shook a tail feather and it was fun. I forgot how much I used to dance around the house and sing; albeit horribly and loud, I had so much life then. So I'm going to buy me my Erykah Badu cd's again and maybe even an old school mix cd if I can remember a good one or two.....blast my radio like the other ghetabulous fools, open my back door and let the air blow in and sing my head off...dance circles in the living room with my kids, roll around on the floor...I might even turn on my xbox and play with them this time, instead of just watching. I can't let the pain stop me from being me can I? They always say, moving is the best cure for stiffness....so moving is what I'll do. I want a treadmill or elliptical. I want to put one in my living room and just move on it.....maybe during tax time I will....New Year New You they say every year...I'll wait for a sale....gotta be down at least a size by summer. and i want to have some toning on my lower half....gotta drop it like its hot (in my snoop dogg voice).....4:30 has finally made it working on eldest's hat and its coming along pretty nicely. I just don't know....tired of the excuses, the stories, the reasons....fill your life with those details, I like this blank page I'm staring at...its my story not yours....I'm rewriting my book so if you don't want to jump in with me...exit stage left.

Wednesday...(where's Friday)

So I'm sure you remember I was miserable last week Wednesday because it wasn't payday, well guess what....I'm still miserable because I didn't have enough money in my paycheck to cover all bills this week. So I'm left trying to figure out the schematics of survival for the next two weeks. Have to cut out things that just aren't that important. So half of car note paid, no insurance paid this month, lights paid (rent and lights are a must), credit card paid, other credit card paid, kids daycare, afterschool activities paid, mary kay order paid (forgot about that)...that leaves, remaining car note, insurance, cable, gas for two weeks, oh yeah food!, transportaion is gonna have to be slim this week because I mean really, we are so on a budget. I wonder where my check from NYS is? They said it would be a fe weeks, but this is ridiculous. Of course I'm only stressing over that check because I need it (who doesn't need extra funds), but didn't care about it at all for the past year they were supposed to send it.

I'm venting now about the system we call public assistance. Explain to me how is it possible that somone (me!) who has 3 three children (growing ones) does not qualify for food stamps anymore? I don't make enough money to cover my bills each month, even though some of those bills are not necessity, lights, car, insurance and daycare are...I need to apply again and pray really hard for a positive solution because not being able to feed your own family is not what I should be worrying about each payday. ARRGGHHH!!!!!

I need a new moment in time, just put a pause on this one so that I can correct a few mistakes and make this journey a little easier from here on out. Or maybe a trip into the future so I can avoid those mistakes altogether. aah well....that won't happen so I'll just move on to another emotion....

Boredom, I want to go home! I miss my bed and I know its calling out for me as well. So hard to admit that the highlight of my day is watching my kids practice their dance stuff and me laying in my bed. Alone. Half clothed. Stretched out. Alone. Alone is not that bad actually, I'm sure it came across as sad, but I like stretching my legs over to the cold side of the bed and jumping back over to the warm side. I love rolling over to the cold side and flipping a random pillow over (I have 6 currently). I can't wait to start my project, I've printed the pattern and have the needles, yarn and desire...Now all I need is time, between my Sims and my projects I don't know how I will get anything accompished. Its about that time people, 4pm is coming and I'm running reports so that I can hit the door running in 1 hour...count it down with me.

OMG Monday

It was ridiculous busy today and with that said, I'm without much thought. I am happy to be home, happy to be near horizontal, happy to be without bra...aaahhhhh!!!!!! Well I've decided on a pattern but need to get the right size needles...My relationship today had a stopping point because I couldn't be the girlfriend I had to be the friend. He is having a serious breakdown, financially he is not well, and while I'm always saying that he makes a lot of money which is probably true, he has a higher amount of expenses. Its hard to see him so stressed out, but I completely get it. I completely and totally would give my dollars if I could afford it, but I can't. Its times like this when I want to scream, just quit and move in with me, but heaven stop moving....that is not an option. I love the man, and while I do feel a break from everyday might be helpful, moving in with me is not the option to take.

Sleep is calling me early this evening, maybe not even sleep but definitely a need to lay my back down and stretch like and "x" in the bed. Its gonna be busy tomorrow too and while its only one more day, its the busiest day of the week for us. Oh well.

Weekly Reflection

Here's to the end of a very emotional week! I still have some unsettled emotion regarding a particular situation with this relationship I think I'm in. I don't have the energy to really care about last week because I do realize that a man is going to be a man regardless of how much the woman bends for him. I have to be the woman that I want to be regardless of his behavior as well. I will make better decisions, stronger attempts at distancing myself emotionally. I will start with the morning phone call...either five minute catch up instead of 30 minute conversation or maybe no answer at all. I also have realized that I have a life that is not full of people and things, I am by no means a go out and mingle type of girl, but because I have no friends here in NC, I really stay at home and enjoy my kids. I have to realize that him and others have lives that may be fuller to a different extent. I don't want to bother him the question of why anymore. I don't want to be the girlfriend that stresses you out with every phone call. I am redefining my title of "girlfriend" and giving you free will to do whatever. Why you ask? Its simple really, I can't control you and letting you go is easier than trying to figure you out. I can do what I want and let you be free. I cannot guarantee that when you are ready I will be also, I was ready last year and early this year....will you come ready next year, I don't think I'll be waiting.

I love Sundays, I have always sat down and planned ahead for the next week, but this week is different because this week ahead is all an emotional change, and its a change that I am initiating. Amazing! I am also starting a new project with my sticks and string. I have two options, but will decide for sure come tomorrow evening. I'm thinking, new stitch pattern on a hat, or try a hand with lace on a shawl....decisions decisions. Well I'm looking forward again to a new week with a new attitude and hope and pray that everyone stays safe and sane.

Its Saturday

Saturday evening, well near midnight actually, and I had a day of mixed feelings because I stumbled across an old diary I was trying to keep. It got hard to keep a written one because when I was angry I wrote in such chicken scratch form that I couldn't reflect on my previous emotions, I would only scratch my head in bewilderment at "what was I trying to say". The few parts I could make out made me realize that this has been a really long year and not much has changed with my proposed relationship. I don't know why we women make excuses for love. I don't know why we sit by and proclaim "but he loves me". Isn't love more than just words, doesn't it contain actions too. I won't get preachy but the Bible says that love "does" things...it doesn't just feel....

I  have seen changes in him, I have seen things stay the same. My biggest problem is that he is a slooooowwwww mover when it comes to decisions. I also know that he is not in a place to "make my dreams come true" as I've imagined every evening since 2010. It sucks sometimes that he is so responsible and reasonable. He asked me the other day if I had a mysterious account full of money so he could quit his job and come on down...Well obviously the answer is no...I mean if I did, he wouldn't be my only concern, I'd be doing some serious thangs....*ya feel me*

Anyway, I just can't see past the convenient stories, the just so reasoning for my questionable doubts. I guess we just prefer to ignore what is so plainly clear....I hate that I feel like I can't move on. Or is it that I just don't want to. Dating is scary especially because my girls are getting older. I never believed children should be exposed to the ups and downs of a romantic relationship, especially when its just beginning and especially when they know their father (even if he is a jerk off).....but oh boy....tears....my girls are so precious and I try to keep them out of harms way. I moved away from my comfort and familiarity in order to give them happiness. I decided know sleeping around because its too emotional...and then even when I began this nightmarish, angelic, storybook, lifetime drama replica of a relationship I promised that no one else would ever meet them until he was the one, whoever that might be.

So far so good I guess, if for no other reason, being with him although away from him has kept me grounded, away from the distraction of these comical creatures here in NC. I have to admit he has made me realize that I've been selling my short with my previous relationship choices. I have nothing against them, but in hindsight my self esteem was too low to notice that I deserved someone headed for greatness. But....I do love my babies, just the way they are and no matter how their dad and I worked out. When I left Chris I made a list....I became convinced that making lists would keep me focused on the drastic changes; here's the list of what to expect for any young woman looking for the next catch.

1. Must be a high school graduate ( no GED unless there was some extreme circumstance)
2. Must have finished college...(at least an associates degree *see #4)
3. Must be living on his own (roommates optional)
4. Must be employed for at least 5 years (same company optional, taxes taken out not optional)
5. Cannot be ashamed of his own tears (he is human and should be able to act like one)
6. No drugs of any kind (my preference...should be every ones)
7. Has to be able to laugh
8. Cannot be a mommas boy; should not constantly say "because I'm a grown ass man"...(do real men prophesy this in every conversation....NO..their actions do)
9. If he has children (rare that men don't these days) he should be a responsible parent and either be paying the child support and/or being an active parent with the child/children.
10. If I have any doubts or get a twinge of "hmmmm that's strange" walk away.

I've learned that women's intuition is a strange and mystical power which we too often ignore. I swear that intuition is screaming DON'T DO IT STUPID, YOU'RE GONNA REGRET IT!!!! and we just say, but he's so sweet and I love him. (((eyes rolling))) I'm so over us with that reasoning. Anyway, I don't know how I came down to this topic on this cool Saturday evening, but it made me have silent thoughts about why I was awestruck with this man. I see the reason why I have a hard time letting go, he has everything on my list and just a bit more. That bit more, however, is mixed with the worse part of "for better or worse". Sadly, I don't mind dealing with it, but I wish I knew for sure how this would pan out for us (kids and I). Not a believer in the whole psychic thing so please don't suggest I see one...I just sit back and contemplate what is the worse case and best case scenarios.

On a lighter note, I actually cleaned my closet today, I cleaned my room about 90% of the way, and now I want to start a new knitting project to keep my hands busy, which in turn will keep my mind busy. I remember saying somewhere recently, that I don't think we will last or move forward to blissful endings. I would rather that instead of a bitter end, it just drifts apart like a sailboat without a mast. I don't of course want the ocean to carry us apart, but if it must be that way, it seems to be the least traumatic for me. Kind of like dying in your sleep....no regrets to think about, no wonder about anyone or anybody....just normal thoughts like cooking breakfast, doing laundry, paying bills, going to the movies etc. I see why they say its important to tell your loved ones that you love them daily because things really do happen just that fast. Well to anyone who knows or cares I am happy to have a life full of questions because finding those answers with friends and family makes this life worth living each day. Not just discovering myself, but also what people think and how they feel. We all are connected somehow and whether or not you believe it, I believe that every interaction with another human being causes change or reflection to happen in our own individual lives.

Friday is here

Its finally friday and OMG it seems like forever since I started work this week. I started off wrong honestly, I came off of an emotionally draining weekend and then woke up confused Monday, I thought, for some reason I couldn't fathom; that it was Thursday and when I realized that I was wrong, needless to say I was pissed. It seems that my thoughts have drifted from thought to thought today and most come back to the question WHY?

Why are we so inclined to do the things we know are no good for us. Why do we rationalize that it can or will get better even after waiting an eternity? Why do our bosses treat us like slaves and get mad when we call them on it? Why is the gas prices so flexible according to their budgets but not ours? Why can't I just have someone drop a large sum of money in my lap, with no stipulations...just because they know how hard I work and deserve it? Why do I have to struggle to keep food on the table? Why do I have to apply for foodstamps, shouldn't a family with children qualify just because? Why do I get sad for no reason and for any reason? Why is it still 4:30 and not 5? Why don't I have any real plans for this weekend? Why do I have people around that I wish would go away; why are the people I wish were around so far away?  I wish I had more answers but I don't...its a hard fact that we humans are not smart enough to answer every question; even if we were, would everyone be happy with the answers?

I have a doctors appointment in two weeks and have to admit, even if only to myself, that I am really nervous about it. I'm at the age where things fall apart on the body. I've been cricking and cracking for a few years now, overweight even longer than that. My child is a diabetic, her father has RA...its only a matter of time before I'm stricken with something too. Noone can get off scott free....look at Job (thats a biblical person people) he suffered all across the board. When I feel this out of sorts I wonder if this is my time to suffer. I have a sneaky suspicion that I will be joining my child on the diabetic train.  I have some weird symptoms and don't know what to make of them (hence the doctors appt). I tried to drink coffee twice this week and both times it tastes very burnt, almost nicotine line in the aftertaste. My spit doesn't taste different, just a tingling tongue and nasty feeling. I wonder if my tastebuds are screaming because of the coffee and some good old fashioned toothpaste will clear this up. I'll be a test dummy tomorrow. No coffee for the weekend and see how I feel.

Oh yeah, I woke up trying to exercise today. (note: trying...ha!) I was sleepy and clumsy that when I went to do a lunge I ended up kneeling and praying for the strength to get through the day. Well not an effective attempt at all, but at least my prayer was answered. I made it to near 5 pm and I am "ret to go". I want to go back to the gym regularly, I had such a new stamina when I was making it weekly. I just need to pay them for two months and then I'll be back on track. Harder to fit it in though because of the kids being back in school. I promised myself I'd try and stop making excuses for everythig, I will find the time, I just need to pick a day or three and plan for gas, and then get there.

I wish we had some money to go take the kiddies to see Lion King in 3D....which FYI to anyone who cares, Just because its in 3D doesn't make it new...this movie was already a classic waaaaayyyy back when. I read on twitter that this new millenium generation is trying to take credit for all our old school accomplishments. I say we stand against this. The only thing they have managed all their own is to have their elders completely in terror when the walk down the street. It is so aggravating to have to be the old lady that sits on her porch and complain about the noise, the litter, the bass on the car, the popping of the gum (come on why pop?) it just makes me cringe when I think about how far gone our kids are these days. They are never going to make a contribution to our future world if they don't get taught immediately how to live.

I won't get to preaching right now on my many issues with our communities because like I said, its near 5pm and I wanna go home; but, parents aren't parenting anymore and children are seen as friends instead of children who should be loved, taught and disciplined. Outsiders (the television and video games too) have more influence on our children than we do and thats all I'm saying on that right now.

Food shopping is on my after work Friday to-do list, but I don't want to go because I'm so sleepy. Can we make it one night without food....I know I can but the little munchkins act like the death horse is sitting on the couch if they don't eat....OMG is still not 5.

Its gonna be cold tomorrow

I am in a love situation that hurts and even though I could make that call and walk away, I'd rather just pretend we drifted apart. So in line with the weather tomorrow, I will begin my journey into the cold unknown. I can't answer every call because you just don't understand how much it hurts to pretend. I won't respond to every text because you don't know how much I just want to tell you I love you. I won't lie and say I'm home if I want to go out because you should know that I can make a life without you. You will not be able to please me verbally anymore because I don't need a facade of intimacy I need the real thing. I won't allow you talk to me about our future together because we can't have one until you clear up your past. I can't allow my kids to look for your calls because you are not stable in our lives. I will not ask you for advice because I always listened to you and I just can't anymore. I will give you my friendship and my love, but my heart and soul is not for keeps anymore.

I used to say that I can't imagine someone else holding me at night, but, baby its cold outside tomorrow and I need some warmth. I would have normally held on to my memories, or created a vision of unending bliss, but my reality is not allowing me to drift on that cloud anymore. I am forcing my eyes to open and see the story for what it is. We are great together, but, in the here and now of it all....you are not good for me. I am stifled by pretending to not mind the way things are. I am limited in my speech because you are not able to express yourself as freely as I do. I love to love and want to love you more. You love to be a wall, hiding behind a cloak, a facade a black veil of unemotional behavior. I am free as a bird when it comes to love, especially when its loving you. I cannot, however, let that feeling over power the fact that this chilly breeze I feel coming, I can be protected from, IF I push it back harder and make it stop before it comes inside. I'm sorry to be cold towards you though, because you will not understand the why...but maybe in the end of it all it will makes sense and we can try again in a different season.