Mortality

Its 4:21 pm on a Thursday and I am in so much discomfort and pain that I can't help but think about my own mortality. Death is not something that I think I fear its the reality of death for my children that I fear the most. I can't imagine how they would survive without a MOM. A person who will love them no matter what the decisions were that they made, a person who has tried to hold everything together just for them. Where is this thought coming from? Well, I have been suffering with so much pain these past few months and it seems like its only getting worse. I'm almost positive stress is a big factor to the tweaks and twerks I experience everyday, but for the most part, the pain and discomfort I feel has just been a part of me for so long I've learned to ignore it.

I never imagined what getting OLD would be like, I imagined getting older and slowly aging. Reminiscing on times of old when I used to make snap decisions, dance hard for hours without so much as a cramp, drink and drink till the bottle was empty, change hairstyles because I could, get risky with leather pants and halter tops (okay never a halter top, cuz the girls man...they always been in the way)....but yeah I remember those days. Being a single 20 something, thinking I had all the answers to my life's problems, thinking I knew all there was to know about relationships, love and family. I don't know when exactly I realized that I didn't know squat....but I'm guessing somewhere around when I had three kids a bad relationship that ended and a new love that was driving me insane.

Well in between all this I kinda realized what was important and what wasn't, my health is important my children take top priority. My family, my friends, my love. My self respect, my self worth, my confidence my abilities, conquering my fears, managing my finances....these are all things that have become apart of me the woman at 35 years old. I wish I had an opportunity to actually document all the drama that went on in my life because it would truly be something for the kids to read and learn from in the future. I have pain in my body; an uneasy feeling of "just not right". Doctors want to give pills so I've stayed away from them for so long that going now would just a stab in the dark for them, because I don't have a real medical history other than "she has had three healthy children".

Word to the wise for anyone that cares to hear me, stay away from WEBMD and other such self diagnosis sites....I've had cancer, AIDS, ectopic pregnancies, gout, acid reflux (that was valid), glaucoma, diabetes, and angina.....Well the pain hurts now and while I'm tempted to take a glance at what the cyber docs might have to say, I'll just wait till my appointment comes and try to explain every little detail about my issues. If I had to play amateur doctor, I'd say that the shoulder is bruised because last year when I moved into my place we slept on the floor and since then I've had the same tweak and it just won't go away...maybe I bruised something. Ankle been messed up since I sprained it almost two years ago and the aches and pain, I'm thinking arthritis.....There's some other stuff but I don't feel like typing it all out...lets just say the pain is more annoying than the other stuff...the other things are just a little bit annoying.

Mortality just makes me think of what I could do with the little bit of life I have on this earth. I want to be a great mom and a memorable person in every one's lives who knows me. I always imagined doing something magnificent to be remembered like making an invention that was so spectacular that people would know me for years. I often wonder if something did happen to me would my kids ever forget me because they are so young.....(tears rolling...one moment)......

Okay no more on that, you all know how much I love them and that's that...

I made my appointment for next week Thursday, cuz its time to go. I hate not knowing, and sometimes, knowing is just as nerve racking. Ever since the money from SSI was cut and the Food Stamps was cancelled to next to nothing, I have realized that my financial situation is very bleak. It is nearly impossible to survive in this world with your spirituality in tact. I want to take another job in the evening, but don't want to sacrifice time with my kids, time away from my worship and service. I want to get rid of my car to take away the burden of car payments, but I need that to go to work. I always thought that having a job that paid 13 or more per hour would be such a great help to me....(secret****its not****). Once your income goes up, your ability to rely on people, government or other goes waaaaay down; and, theres nothing you can do about it. I have no food at home, the kids call and say their hungry, there isn't ready to eat stuff there so they must wait till I get home before they can eat. I'll have to teach Audrey how to really cook a few things because buying prepackaged food is just not cutting it for us financially. Oh boy, so many more thoughts and not enough energy or tears and tissue to keep this up. Its just about time to leave work and head on home. Curry chicken is on the menu...might even try some coconut rice, but I don't think I have any coconut milk...just coconut flakes....hhmmmmmm.....decisions decisions....