I haven't had the chance to put down what my last experience was like when Courtney came down. It was truly something. He purchased a car after almost 6 months of not having one and then he came down to get it. I have to admit that this trip made me closer to him like you wouldn't believe. It feels different, the connection seemed stronger. We talked a lot, we laughed, I cried, he held me. The kids were themselves and I loved every minute of it. I get bogged down with the titling of our relationship that I was stressing myself out. I have goals that I am trying to accomplish personally, spiritually and holding back on them for the sake of a title has to stop.

We put others feelings before our own all the time, I have also, and will not anymore. I love the dude I swear I do, I miss the companionship of another adult with me, I miss being able to cuddle up at night and feel welcomed and loved. But with all that said, is this worth waiting for. For a long long time there has been talk of "what are you waiting for" "lets just do this already"....but maybe its just the time for me....maybe there's other things I'm not seeing that God knows first (of course he knows). I've learned to take things as they come. I've been able to bounce back from a lot, been able to overcome my own emotions but this new way of handling the emotions is weird...I'm just going with the flow. And truthfully, it feels really good. He tells me now, more than he did before that he loves me everyday. He is claiming to be a part of the family (yes with money too) and it feels good. I can't say that I'll be content with just being "my girlfriend that lives in NC" but for right now, it just feels good to feel good and I'm not pushing.

I'm at it again

So theres been a few ups and downs, biggest down is the length of my hair. Yep chopped it clean off (again). I have been doing alot of reading and watching videos, and decided that instead of trying to get the hair I had to become healthy, why not start with a fresh scalp and start from the root....so thats what I've done.

1. Olive oil is great on my hair! Yes plain ole', out the kitchen extra virgin olive oil.
2. I can't use any type of liquid vaseline or petroleum based product because it actually clogs my pores on my scalp and I get these bumps that hurt like the dickens!!! (didn't ask any doctor about that, just my own observation)
3. My hair is not as hard as I thought, and that spot I swore would never grow in has filled in. (okay maybe not completely but definitely without scalp shining through.)
4. I am lazy as who knows who when it comes to doing my hair and I understand now why my hair was so hard and brittle before. I was barely taking care of it.


So off of the hair thing, the relationship that has brought me so much joy has brought me plenty plenty of tears these past few months. Mainly because I started to see things differently and realized why I am so unhappy with him at times. Skipping past all the details of the various arguments we had, because I can't remember them all. I do remember basically begging for attention and wanting my feminine ego caressed with words of love and adoration everyday. Anywho, my biggest problem with the relationship as I come to understand it now is ME. Yep thats right capital M E! Why you say? Why take the blame for his shortcomings? I'll tell you why....it was easier to see the truth in myself than to decipher the lies in him. I know why I expect so much out of him, and it really isn't fair. Not to him or any man for that matter. I spent 10 years in a relationship that ended rather sourly. And after all the time I spent, I don't want to wait and see how this will turn out. I want to jump straight to the happy ending. I felt that him holding back from my happy storybook relationship was his way of telling me he didn't want it. Nope, not true. The truth in all this is that I have my own insecurities and doubts about myself, and and while I will not take the blame 100% I will own up to 85% of the way I felt and why.

Moving from the relationship, Its almost tax time for us!!!! YAY...wheres the streamer????? I have not really put some focus on my plans. Do I really want to go through the process of purchasing a home? Can I even afford to do that with this job? Its so wishy washy at times, I don't know what to expect. I found out that another person got fired. And yes, I know I don't know why they got fired, it still is a bit bothersome because you just never know if and when its your turn. And I'll be damned if I sign on the dotted line a 30 year agreement and lose my job in 2. Its a serious commitment and as you can see with the relationship struggles, commitment is not my forte. I have problems keeping my apartment arranged the same way for more than 2 months. I just moved the couches and tv again because I felt it needed something.

Alrighty, its about that time to hit the streets. Gotta make a potty stop and then head on down the road to home. I need a shower and dinner ideas. What I really need is my check to come now and in the AM.

Bag Lady

So most people (unless you were in a cave on an island) know Erykah Badus Bag Lady song...the entire album is probably in my top spot for favorite albums ever made. Anyway the point is with this song, I had a thought and just had to start getting it out, because as most people know, my friend circle is so small I didn't have choices when it comes to presenting my thoughts. So we all have relationships, romantic or otherwise, and the issues that cause us pain or doubt or any type of feeling we carry on into our next relationship, romantic or otherwise. So my old relationship with Chris was filled with more downs than ups, but I realized that it shaped me into the woman I am. A woman that is seeking change because I don't like the woman I was when I left him. I planted my new roots in NC and was completely unsure of every step I took. All I knew how to do was survive one bad instance to the next. I knew how to be a mom, I knew how to fight, I knew how to take care of business but I forgot how to love a man the right way. I knew and know now that I am more than capable of loving a man and creating that happy home that is part of the American dream. What I am still unsure of is how to tell if the one you want your future to be with is ready for it too.

Okay, moving back to the lyrics and why they are so important to me.....

Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gone get in your way
One day all them bags gone get in your way
I said one day all them bags gone get in your way
One Day all them bags gone get in your way

So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh

Bag lady you gone miss your bus
You can't hurry up
Cause you got too much stuff
When they see you comin
Niggas take off runnin
From you it's true oh yes they do

One day he gone say you crowdin my space
One day he gone say you crowdin my space
I said one day he gone say you crowdin my space
One day he gone say you crowdin my space

So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh

Girl I know sometimes it's hard
And we can't let go
Oh when someone hurts you oh so bad inside
You can't deny it you can't stop crying
So oh, oh, oh
If you start breathin
Then you won't believe it
You'll feel so much better
(So much better baby)

Bag lady
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
Ooh, ooh
Girl you don't need it
I betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
(Need someone to love you right)
Betcha love can make it better
(I betcha love, betcha love)
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
(I betcha love, betcha love)
Betcha love can make it better
(I betcha love, I betcha love, oh)
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
(Oh...)
Betcha love can make it better...

Bag lady, hmm
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
Girl you don't need that, hmm

Yes thats a lot of repeating of the same words, but I listened to the words one day and felt like I finally got it.....Erykah is not prophet of love and life but for me, it clicked.

Leaving a friendship behind, leaving a relationship behind, a job, an apartment, a city....these are all things that leave us feeling some type of way and make us react in an old way when we feel those feelings creeping up again.
No we shouldn't hold on to the past and keep an account for the injury so to speak, but we should learn from each obstacle. Don't make your next move so unattractive that people look at you like you have the problem. I have an old friend who was just like that and in my attempt to be nothing like her, I started to become just like her by not trusting, by holding everybody at a distance. I have to learn to open my mouth and say when things bother me and not let people guilt me into feeling the way they do. I mean, life is hard enough without repeating the same mistakes.

I also understand this song to mean its okay to feel the hurt, and if we take the time to understand and move on we, as women, will feel so much better. Ever notice how freeing it is to cry it out and take the next step towards something different.....? I have and while its scary as hell to believe that you won't fall flat on your face, its also exciting to experience something other than the same old hurt and disappointment. I've given me the opportunity to feel again and so far so good.....the feelings are real feelings, real feelings of hurt, real feelings of love, real doubt, real care and concern....that life I lived before was just trying to make it...now its about trying to live it.

Call me crazy...but...sewing here I come!

So here I am, just as sad as I can be...picture it now...I just got news that a friend of ours husband got arrested. Just a few months prior, her kids were taken away for neglect (at least I assume so), now the husband is gone and charged with sexual abuse of his step daughter. (true untrue doesn't matter right now, the woman is surely stressed out)

I'm driving home, thinking real hard about my kids, my past and how grateful I am that I was born a fighter...anyway, thats a whole 'nuther story.

I mossied myself on into Hancock Fabrics cuz I been wanting to get some patterns for the little ones and maybe even a little nightie for myself....next thing I know I bought a sewing machine. As I came out of the emotional fog the next day I realize it was on sale and I was immediately relieved. I have been known to just buy something completely unecessary and then return it because, "really what was I thinking" kicks me in the butt.

Yes I, Yours Truly, purchased a sewing machine. I've been wanting to learn to sew forever. I went over to a sisters house and she showed me a few things I was actually excited. Then I was supposed to meet up with her again and nothing. I'm not one known for the ability to just wait until you feel like it, so after 3 weeks of calling and messages, texts and more calls, I give up. She gave me a ton of patterns to try on my own and now I'm on the hunt for material at cheap prices. I want to make some dresses for the girls. I want to make a real nice one for Kierra. I think she'd love it. Provided of course it comes out right, and I let her pick the fabric. Well I'm officially keeping track of the next project seeing as how I'm doing it all alone. I am nervous but excited. Danielle has been waiting for her PJ's for a long time, so here goes nothing when I get home tomorrow. I get off early and I'm going to sit down and start sewing. I might splurge a bit and get me some little odds and ends just to keep it interesting.

Sewing supplies list:

Scissors (ideally large for fabric and small for trimming)
Extra spare sewing machine needles
Hand stitching needles
Eye threader (good for fumbling fingers) great idea.
Pins
Threads in basic colors like white, navy and black (large spools available)
Threads in other colors of your choice to match your fabric (usually large spools are available)
Sewing patterns have to get some more to fit my style and taste
Fabric chalk what does this do.....????
Thimble never even thought about this but I think I have one.
Buttons i remember the old folks having a jar full of mismatched buttons...have to start doing that
Elastic scary thought but okay
Seam Ripper (to easily remove stitches)
Tape Measure

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Its Monday....changing tides

I finally did it and while it wasn't as bold as I imagined it would have been the sheer fact that I picked up a box of red hair color and doused my gray and black tresses with it says alot about my desire to try something new. It came out to be more of a reddish brown and while its not what the box said it should be, its definitely noticeable and different. I'm looking to do another touch up in a few weeks and maybe then I'll hit the red I've been looking for. But for now, I'm enjoying the mini change, and will be conditioning in the process. I found a wonderful website that specializes in natural hair. Never thought I would be the one to go natural, considering I have a background in hair and relaxing, coloring and cutting, weaving braiding was all I was about. But admittedly I have grown quite accustomed to the wash grease and go look. The coloring gives me something new to look at with joy every morning.

Randomized thoughts that have been in my head bursting at the seams....why do women who have success seems to complain about the little things? I mean you have a great job, good money, nice car, family surrounding you and youre complaining about the size of the onions in your chinese food. And not just mentioning I mean all out complaining about you can't eat this, and they should know better...whatever, don't eat 'em then. Why is what my mother thinks more important now at 35 than it was when I was 25. When am I going to get some answers on what this relationship holds for me. How can I move forward in my own life when I keep looking backwards. I never realized how much my past is a part of me. That man I call Satan's apprentice had such a hold on me, and because I was with him during my adult development stages, he has actually shaped me into the aggressive lover that I am today. I can't stand him, he gets on my nerves. I sometimes wish I could go back and ignore him but then I wouldn't have my little ones. Who FYI, are a riot when just listening to them. They went outside to play and oldest of the two says, hey ride your bike and let me tie this rope on the handle bar and tie this end to my scooter and you ride and pull me. Little one says "yeah thats cool"....after figuring out how to tie a rope they start the process and little bit says, you're too heavy, big bit says, then let me ride your bike and you hold the scooter.....well if you have kids, or have been around some, you know the next step borders or parental abuse, because I did not stop them from this insanity....big bit starts peddling before little bit can get her footing and supermans it about 2 feet, skinned kness and bruised ego in tow....comes to mommy who is trying to compose herself from laughter and kisses the boo boo and lotions the legs and sends her right back out there again......all to see what???? yep you guessed....they tried again except this time, they get a countdown so everybody is ready....it for about a second and a half, but little bit got tired of falling so they gave up and played in the mulch by the house. I love my kids, I can't imagine not having them. If it means I'd have to repeat the 10 year stint in Hell then so be it, just as long as I could end up right where I am now. Away and full of peace. I don't know whats for dinner, but its a shame that a single parent who is trying to make a better and decent life for 3 children is denied foodstamps on the basis of me making 60 bucks over their limit. $60??? I mean, they don't even calculate the car payment and insurance....I'd gladly stop paying the insurance, but then I'd get tickets and whose gonna pay those. Maybe I should stop paying and then take the tickets to foodstamp people and tell them to pay it....they'd deny that too I'm sure. very frustrating. I left my lunch at home today and opted for chinese food. Problem with it is that it hits your gut like a brick and then just that fast, you start feeling acid in your gut....maybe thats just me.

My eldest child is 16 and full of attitude. I don't think she even means to be that way, I don't even know if she realizes that she is full of it...but my patience is thin...and my pms is close. I'd tread softly if I were here. I remember jumping up and flying across my bed and slap her upside the head for some smart remark...the look on her face...priceless! I have alll kinds of pain in my body these days and wonder if I'll be stricken with the old lady walk and wardrode to match. I'm not old enough to be hobbling along with a cane, but there are days when thats exactly what I want.  My little kids had a dance at school and I actually shook a tail feather and it was fun. I forgot how much I used to dance around the house and sing; albeit horribly and loud, I had so much life then. So I'm going to buy me my Erykah Badu cd's again and maybe even an old school mix cd if I can remember a good one or two.....blast my radio like the other ghetabulous fools, open my back door and let the air blow in and sing my head off...dance circles in the living room with my kids, roll around on the floor...I might even turn on my xbox and play with them this time, instead of just watching. I can't let the pain stop me from being me can I? They always say, moving is the best cure for stiffness....so moving is what I'll do. I want a treadmill or elliptical. I want to put one in my living room and just move on it.....maybe during tax time I will....New Year New You they say every year...I'll wait for a sale....gotta be down at least a size by summer. and i want to have some toning on my lower half....gotta drop it like its hot (in my snoop dogg voice).....4:30 has finally made it working on eldest's hat and its coming along pretty nicely. I just don't know....tired of the excuses, the stories, the reasons....fill your life with those details, I like this blank page I'm staring at...its my story not yours....I'm rewriting my book so if you don't want to jump in with me...exit stage left.

Wednesday...(where's Friday)

So I'm sure you remember I was miserable last week Wednesday because it wasn't payday, well guess what....I'm still miserable because I didn't have enough money in my paycheck to cover all bills this week. So I'm left trying to figure out the schematics of survival for the next two weeks. Have to cut out things that just aren't that important. So half of car note paid, no insurance paid this month, lights paid (rent and lights are a must), credit card paid, other credit card paid, kids daycare, afterschool activities paid, mary kay order paid (forgot about that)...that leaves, remaining car note, insurance, cable, gas for two weeks, oh yeah food!, transportaion is gonna have to be slim this week because I mean really, we are so on a budget. I wonder where my check from NYS is? They said it would be a fe weeks, but this is ridiculous. Of course I'm only stressing over that check because I need it (who doesn't need extra funds), but didn't care about it at all for the past year they were supposed to send it.

I'm venting now about the system we call public assistance. Explain to me how is it possible that somone (me!) who has 3 three children (growing ones) does not qualify for food stamps anymore? I don't make enough money to cover my bills each month, even though some of those bills are not necessity, lights, car, insurance and daycare are...I need to apply again and pray really hard for a positive solution because not being able to feed your own family is not what I should be worrying about each payday. ARRGGHHH!!!!!

I need a new moment in time, just put a pause on this one so that I can correct a few mistakes and make this journey a little easier from here on out. Or maybe a trip into the future so I can avoid those mistakes altogether. aah well....that won't happen so I'll just move on to another emotion....

Boredom, I want to go home! I miss my bed and I know its calling out for me as well. So hard to admit that the highlight of my day is watching my kids practice their dance stuff and me laying in my bed. Alone. Half clothed. Stretched out. Alone. Alone is not that bad actually, I'm sure it came across as sad, but I like stretching my legs over to the cold side of the bed and jumping back over to the warm side. I love rolling over to the cold side and flipping a random pillow over (I have 6 currently). I can't wait to start my project, I've printed the pattern and have the needles, yarn and desire...Now all I need is time, between my Sims and my projects I don't know how I will get anything accompished. Its about that time people, 4pm is coming and I'm running reports so that I can hit the door running in 1 hour...count it down with me.

OMG Monday

It was ridiculous busy today and with that said, I'm without much thought. I am happy to be home, happy to be near horizontal, happy to be without bra...aaahhhhh!!!!!! Well I've decided on a pattern but need to get the right size needles...My relationship today had a stopping point because I couldn't be the girlfriend I had to be the friend. He is having a serious breakdown, financially he is not well, and while I'm always saying that he makes a lot of money which is probably true, he has a higher amount of expenses. Its hard to see him so stressed out, but I completely get it. I completely and totally would give my dollars if I could afford it, but I can't. Its times like this when I want to scream, just quit and move in with me, but heaven stop moving....that is not an option. I love the man, and while I do feel a break from everyday might be helpful, moving in with me is not the option to take.

Sleep is calling me early this evening, maybe not even sleep but definitely a need to lay my back down and stretch like and "x" in the bed. Its gonna be busy tomorrow too and while its only one more day, its the busiest day of the week for us. Oh well.